the PCP, the DMT, the acid: trips from forever ago in late 2014, 2015 & 2016 onward. still wonder if remnants of the PCP hit when i smoke a spliff, if i’m still on the same acid trip, if one day i’ll die & wake up as if from a dream in my homie’s college apartment still high on DMT. the drugs left their own permanent damage. feels like i’ve been there done that with most things. escapist pleasures.
like the whole thing’s one long trip. saw this girl at the shelter i was at last fall & she said she was jus on a DMT trip & ended up there. never saw her again & none of the girls remembered who she was. i don’t know… feels like i was on the same DMT trip with her, but couldn’t find my way out.
how did i get here plays by Odesza & i kind of look back on everything, wondering that exact question… like how the fuck did i make it this far…grinding on next to nothing, doing whatever drugs seemingly jus to get by. i took this tab of acid in TC a little before molly at Subtronics at Tahoe Live. and since then, my life has been a trip… not like it hasn’t since college at UCD. i guess everyone’s life is a trip like the Mac Miller hat that said, “Don’t Trip”. i still remember my first day out snowboarding with the Ski or Snowboard Club & the lift op looked at me & said, “Don’t Trip”.
Seems like i’ve been in Heaven since then. Seems like i’ve been in Hell, too. maybe it’s just some never ending purgatory i’m waiting to wake up from into some place that feels like a Xanax that lasts forever. drugs will always be a part of my life.
like the cigarettes come & go, the girls come & go, the coffee & money does too. i crave the nights sitting around a coffee table hitting lines. i crave cigarettes on roof tops & girls in all black. my fiction is nothing. my poetry is nothing. but it’s something to some, a song playing out the corner.
i took this 2022-23 acid & went shot for shot with a bartender, had a whole entire baggy of shrooms & was acting like a degenerate on the beach, stepping over the fully lit bonfire pit, running down the beach yelling that i needed some blow. next thing i know my friend had dropped me off at my homie’s, i had got a bag & woke up with a full gram tightly sealed in the little baggie on my chest on the homie’s couch the next morning.
i’ll never know what happened & went down that night. all I know is i made a complete & utter fool of myself, sent into oblivion by the shrooms, acid & booze…. like the JuiceWRLD lyric: “i fell in love with her face off the shrooms” i fell in love 22,000 different times & begged the ocean waves to soothe me, take me out to sea then drown me. that night’s a total blur, most nights a total blur saved by morning coffee & early light readings.
maybe life’s supposed to be boring… idk i’ll always need a sedative or stimulant. i like the feeling of coming up, i like the feeling of being brought down. i give myself completely to the drug & let it sway me whatever way it may, awaiting the high. most of the time though, i’m jus hitting nicotine & sipping caffeine, like it’s right after Sunday mass, like i actually am & want to get sober. like any addict though, whether i’m in the middle of an A.A. Meeting or i’m at home doom scrolling or i’m at some bar, i’ll never really want to be sober. i do it with my teeth clenched & gritted, wondering how people actually exist in reality without drugs.
guess it’s cool to be sober now. it’s not as cool to be in your bag like it was 10 years ago… Juice singing, “she told me put my heart in the bag & nobody gets hurt” on Robbery. always used to fall in love & do drugs to cope with unrequited feelings. now i jus let things pass me by, alright with my little life & books & music & cigs & sips.
but i’m still jus waiting to come out of this dream, the love of my life in years past waking me up, pinching me all out of it in some light trip & comatose i had been in from drugs at a party.
“Drew… wake up… oh there you are, where’d you go?”
“How long was i out?”
“Like a half hour…”
“Damn felt like a decade”
“Don’t be silly… you want to watch Breaking Bad?”
“Hell yea, turn it on…” nuzzling into one another.
˚☽˚.⋆ 
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