ash & complacency

i’m slumped back on my couch with the lights low, an evening night cap beer & cigarettes after sex soothingly & softly playing off of my speakers.

i jus read a few verses of the Tao Te Ching a little earlier, a daily ritual & almost necessity for me.

i was reading about how, before the beginning of the world, there existed some eternal feminine womb, empty & creative… that without the hollow internal, the external to a lot of useful things, such as a room or coffee mug, lose their intrinsic value. within emptiness lies the purpose of the vessel.

the one thing kind of contradicting my philosophy on life that i read in the Tao today was this idea of silence. i don’t believe pure silence in itself is necessarily peaceful. i think a certain frequency of sound that hits your ears is peaceful. whether we need more or less space & softness within the sound or more grime depends on mood & what’s needed momentarily for well being & ambience.

life’s so simple when we don’t compare, take care of our daily needs, which to each person take up different forms & aren’t always seeking more than what we got with where we’re at. writing to me is holy. a smoke, a sip of coffee & alcohol, is almost a necessity. i slump deeper into space & sound.

people everywhere trying to define who they are & find self worth, meaning & value via social media. it’s not there. but it’s an ego boost & there’s a lot of cool articles & poems, film, aesthetic videos & insightful jots on all of those platforms. AI, meta & the algorithm seemingly want to infiltrate & destroy the digital ecosystem though… there’s a lot to muddle through online.

i listen to my own music. i freestyle on production. the tunes come through smooth. guess it’s nice to be self aware & sit with your own creative work. i honestly don’t even care if shit gets little views or recognition. i inherently know & appreciate my art’s intrinsic value. the universe has blessed me immensely since i started writing & making music.

reading a book again, listening to my mix again. ashes littered from my last cigarette, coffee brewing up. i make an iced coffee. i know my life’s boring. in the best way possible. you don’t have to tell me that… shit falls to the wayside when you’re at peace. wish i could piece a cigarette with a girl, though… but the stars under moonlight keep me company & light peaking in wakes me up nicely.

things are so chaotic out there. i think about ash & complacency, cigarettes & settling into things. we create to make sense of the chaotic world. the ash reminds us to accept the nature of reality.

i miss the dope, the drugs. high in my own little world. people don’t realize how peaceful that space could be. buses & people & cars bustle on by & the bars & cafés are crowded. i sit in my own little spot away from all of the trouble. people have a way of ruining the original nature of things.

helps to see an angel every now & then. maybe she makes art. maybe she films dirty videos. angels come in all shapes & forms. i’ve given up a lot of things, some disillusionment with society. feel like Thoreau, except i’m not retreating into nature, jus staying in my own solitude more.

there’s too many external forces corrupting us, manipulating our emotions & influencing our own opinions to the point we stop creating out of thin air, jus sitting comfortably with ourselves. instead, we’re over absorbed, hyper aware & desensitized.

another day in paradise. people going to work. people coming back from work. beach days. park days. bikers & skaters. my TV sits turned off. the books never really get read, but i flip through them every once in a while. we don’t have to take it all so seriously. lonesomeness doesn’t have to be such a bad thing. tragedy that is life. comedy that is life. empty your mind. fill your soul.

the news anchorman’s hopefully talking about crime going down. my homies back in my old town probably still hitting drugs behind some old dumpster though. wish the weatherman would predict rain, but it’s midsummer. so many things i’ve grown apathetic to. don’t idolize your heroes.

sometimes people in life have seen too much at some point. everything jus goes numb. wish i could spend my disability money on drugs & clothes, but there’s rent to pay. yea, i’ll stay sober. i don’t really want to. yea, i’ll be a good citizen.

i jus want to escape. so i throw my headphones on. the world is on crack over nothing. whole world goes way too fast & too slow at the same time. who wouldn’t want to get high in this shit?

mazzy star plays off my speakers. nobody could fuck this up. i sit with my stupid little mustache, baggy long sleeve, baggy black pants & puffy north face slippers. nobody could fuck this up.

you could say i’m not shit. i know my worth. want to be high under club lights. jus to feel again. thankful for the drugs & girls of past. thankful for the music. be nice to have someone to shoot the shit with. i perch up on the balcony & smoke a cigarette. you really were right… i’m not shit. i throw on Dead Hippie to make me feel anything.

dreams of a never ending trap house… stuck. i think i’m going to give up beer. my gut’s getting to be too much. then i drink a beer. i think i’m going to give up smoking. then i smoke a cigarette. old habits die hard. seems like i can’t die… basically tried a few times, but God wants me around for some reason. love left my grip years & years ago.

i’m a ghost trying to catch ever fleeting Nirvana. my soul likes to wander off every now & then. addicted to anything that numbs the pain & somewhat stimulates me, brain cells so gone. then i jus lean into the pain, learn to love suffering.

have to drip out. got to keep music at high volumes. people not even ever talking about anything. guess we’re all trying to romanticize the little things. jus going to delete the internet off of my phone. then i’ll get my subwoofer working, get lost in all of the music & these stupid writings & maybe for a few hours forget the world exists.

jus ignoring everything… ash & complacency.