Soft snow powders the hoodie swaddled boy
Little droplets of pure snow hit the nose & cheek
He wanders on a path with light in his eyes
His step is soft & lighter than a falling feather
There is nowhere to go, but still he jaunts along
So endearing the way he moves like the clouds
He passes a girl who radiates with inner glow
They toss subtle, almost shy waves back & forth
He arrives to his favorite comfy local coffee shop
The warmth embraces his frost bitten cheeks
Upon entering the café, he must first gather himself & allow himself to collect his thoughts
The people pour in & out of the coffee shop
Similarly, the barista pours ample cups of coffee
The caffeinated liquid flows like this boy does
One down… a thousand more coffee drinks to go. Seems to be the opposite of off season. So incredibly busy at the café. So when the boy makes it to the front of the line, he gently smiles in his own little softly vibrant way & asks for a cold brew with oat milk & a drip dark roast coffee with almond milk for his mom who he missed dearly & called a little before he got there & made plans to meet up with her at the local café.
His mom, soon arriving to the café, didn’t want to be bothered with the bustle of the line if he already made his way through it once, knowing how busy it was this time of year, so told him to just order their coffee in advance of her arrival.
The barista smiled back his way. Some cute college girl trying to stick it out here until late Fall & do her best to help her parents afford her tuition… working over summer was the least she could do to help. Summers tend to bring higher paychecks & it would make being in college in late Fall & Winter all that much more rewarding.
Secretly, she thought the boy was so cute, but couldn’t be so blunt about it… so simply she made the drinks & called out his name to let him know the cold brew & drip coffee were ready — so too, grateful they were easy enough drinks to make on the go… better than whipping up four kids hot chocolates, an iced vanilla latté & white chocolate mocha for the family in front of the boy in line. Somehow the family who ordered those drinks were a little obviously & blatantly peeved the guy behind them got his drinks first — at least the father & mom were a bit annoyed… definitely not the kids, who could care less about not getting their drinks right away… they were just goofing around playing tag & hide & seek all around the café… but the parents couldn’t believe it. They kept just glancing at their wrist watch & secretly scolding the barista with little consideration to the fact she had just made two hot chocolates the order before or even taking into account the guy she thought was so cute, which cost her all of two minutes using the drip coffee machine & pouring out of the iced pitcher of cold brew from the café fridge to whip up his. She was still waiting for the drip machine to finish its pour, but had already begun getting all the necessary tools & coffee ingredients & chocolate & milk & all of that for the family. But they couldn’t care less about it being busy or that there was obvious tension between the barista girl they thought forgot about their order & the guy on his little early snowy morning stroll.
When the boy came up to politely grab the drinks she had so quickly made him, he smiled so graciously back, being sure to say a courteous thank you to her as she relayed the message: “if you need anything… anything at all, don’t ever hesitate to ask”. He smiled without thinking much into it & made his way along on the way to a cute table on the café’s porch outside, as he waited for his cute busy-bee of a mother to arrive — a quick little way to catch up with her son & take reprieve & refuge from what had been a grueling day at the office, work never ending even at her old age. But to him, she hadn’t really aged a bit.
When the boy grabbed his coffee, he was about to take a sip & thought in his little contemplative manner, before he smoothly & steadily took a tiny sip of his cold brew. His state of mind was so clear headed & serene a little before 11 on a beautiful early Fall day. As he always does when getting a coffee & they ask for the name of his order, always being sure to respond, “oh, it’s …’ so tenderly in his sweet hapless fashion, the boy looked as he always did at the way the barista wrote the name on his cup… so cute to see his name written with a barista girl’s perfect almost calligraphy-like handwriting written on his cup.
Who knows, maybe she even drew him a cute little heart underneath his name like the last barista girl, not to sound conceited or anything.
He checked the cold brew & the name — albeit a little smeared off & a bit faded due to the combo of being sharpie on a venti eco-friendly plastic cup — was written in the handwriting of a girl who’s obviously done this a million times before & had plenty of experience with this sort of thing… he checked the other cup, the drip dark roast coffee with oat milk with sharpie written on a medium paper cup… a little easier to read.
In sharpie with a drawing of a little heart & arrow through it, she had written just like she had told him as he went on his way outside to the patio where he could smoke in peace: (with sharpie in the girl’s handwriting), “if you need anything… anything at all, don’t ever hesitate to ask” with her number below… signed ‘love Brooke <3’.
Even though he preferred medium roast if it’s drip coffee, he had to keep this cup & to spare himself the embarrassment when his mom came to see him & risk handing her the cup with the girl’s writing to him on it (he forgot to tell her he was getting the drip coffee for his mom, not that he really needed to). He decided to sip on the coffee meant for his mom & just keep both cups to himself. After a few more sips, he viewed this as an opportunity to go up & see the cute barista one more time about a cup of coffee for his mom, who’d be there in a moment or two.
The line had died down by now as everyone was already rushing on their way to work for the day. Meanwhile, he thankfully had the whole day off.
He went up to the girl who was busy making a mocha of sorts. As she turned to place it on the counter, she nearly dropped the cup when she looked up & noticed him. She almost didn’t expect him to be back so soon. She was so stoked he was back & had to compose herself a bit in her head & calm herself down, even though he couldn’t tell in the least bit she was at all frazzled, besides almost dropping the mocha she had in her hand. They both just laughed…
“oh my God, sorry i didn’t notice you… i mean, i did… i just, i don’t know… i can’t believe i almost dropped that guy’s order,” she remarked.
“no worries at all,” the boy lazily laughed & said, “could tell you’ve been pretty busy today. you do a really good job of making it all look easy, though.”
“Really? i really do try… i just don’t want anyone like mad at me, i guess, even if that just means making them the perfect coffee quick enough.”
“Well, speaking of coffee, could i get another drip dark roast coffee. But can you write the name Elisabeth on it?”
“Oh my God, i’m so sorry… for your girlfriend, right?”
Laughing, “no, guess i just thought i’d see how you’d react,” out of hearing range of anyone else in the café with no one behind him in line so they could flirt pretty freely without judgement… ‘but Elisabeth is my mom’s name, she’s coming to meet me here in just a little bit. i thought i’d keep the other cup for myself in case i need it later. plus, she doesn’t need to know every detail of my life… she’s nosy enough as it is.”
“well, i actually get off in an hour. i don’t know, maybe we could go out & grab drinks or who knows… when you become free.”
“we’re just meeting up really quick — well quick for her — if you can wait around the tiniest bit after you get off here. i hear the ice skating rink downtown is pretty cool & we could pick up a bottle of whatever you like as far as wine goes at the winery right across the street from it… that place called ‘Vino Shack’.”
“oh that sounds so nice. damn, 30 minutes after writing that note on your — i mean, your mom’s — cup & we already have plans to go on a date…”
“Yeah, that’s news to me too,” both laughing, “i was really just taking a walk through the snow randomly & decided to cruise through & stop by here. i didn’t even think my mom & I would be catching up too a little today until literally an hour ago, let alone that I’d see a really pretty girl who’d practically ask me out before i could even ask her out. i guess self help articles were pretty on point & accurate in saying, “taking a walk helps you clear your head” because, i woke up this morning feeling decent, but still not perfect. Now everything just feels perfect. Oh there’s my mom… once i say good bye to her, we can whip over to the rink in my old Chevy. Probably be finishing up the minute you get off. Can’t wait, you’ve already made my day.”
“Well you definitely made mine. I was trying to be positive & all, but busy season rush gets the best of me sometimes, especially when i’ve only been working here since about two months ago & i’m not really a local, at least not just yet, just visiting until college starts up again. So glad to finally meet a cute boy who’s, well, just my type… alright, well go hang out with your mom, don’t let me get in between you two… plus i’m sure my boss hates it when this kind of thing happens. Thank God for things like this happening, though. Can’t wait to finish my shift & talk & skate & drink wine & all that. Like absolutely can’t”
“Me neither, really it’ll be a lot of fun… kind of unexpected, but in the best way & i really did miss this kind of thing. We’ll chat & kick it soonish. Can’t wait. Absolutely can’t wait.”
And right as his mom was about to see where he was at, she saw him strolling towards her with the drip dark roast coffee he had gotten her. Her coffee cup didn’t have the writing, “Elisabeth” on it, the girl had written in her cute way, “mom <3”
His mom looked back at the barista & saw the smile radiating off even her son’s glistening eyes & commented, “oh the new girl working behind the coffee bar is so cute… you should get her number… i mean, you never know.”
He just smiled as they sat back at the spot he got them on the patio right outside the coffee shop.
She looked down at his two coffee cups as he lit up a second cigarette — his mom, unlike some parents didn’t at all mind him smoking. There’s worse things, she thought… “what’s this, you got two coffees — honey, don’t you think you’ve had enough caffeine… well you always did like coffee so much. i don’t know what you like the most: cigs, coffee, or girls… like the one working today. You probably couldn’t go without all three of them.”
He sipped at his cold brew some more & his mom, just as observant as he was, glanced & finally noticed the thing she had let fly over her head the whole time… a note with a drawing of a heart & arrow through it & Brooke’s name on it & her number below it: “if you need anything… anything at all, don’t ever hesitate to ask.”
…more notes on this little poetic piece & the boy & the girls & little notes & tidbits about my life:
the way he looked at it, each barista has such a unique cute style when it comes to the outfit they’re wearing that day & how well they seem to always write out each guest’s names, even with the rounded edges of a plastic cup — something that takes a little more finesse & skill than jotting something down on a flat edge paper… trust me, he’d even tell you, it’s not as easy as it looks, talking from his own personal experience, as he was a barista for two plus years & never mastered the trick of writing names out all pretty on the cup, from the name of the customers to the type of coffee they wanted.
He’d still always write down their name & little abbreviations for what the order was as gentle reminders of what each drink’s supposed to be… if there was a long enough line & there was no possible way for him to remember the order by the time he got around to the drink he had to place up with all of the other unfinished orders ahead of it.
He’d fetch two dollars & forty three cents from the cashier drawer, hand the change back to the awaiting customer & jot down their name & a quick written note on the cup for what they wanted.
He’d make the coffee quickly… the customers always loved this, but i guess he got his dad’s chicken scratch writing genes & not his mom’s flowing penmanship — well more a unique blend of both the style of his mom’s & dad’s little scribbling technique… ‘please channel your mom’s cute way of writing on this one,’ he kept thinking to himself (their signatures were nearly identical & so was the way he wrote on paper on his best days).
When he handed the guest his or her coffee or placed it on the counter & called out their name or whatever, they were always a tad impressed with his efficiency in whipping up drinks as quickly as humanly possible, but a little thrown off by the fact that their names on the cup almost looked as if they had been doodled on there by a child at least half his age.
They would then chuckle a bit sympathetically, especially since what could one really expect from a guy & his writing… the best individuals in crafting latté foam art & writing on cups in their soothing little fashion has almost always been achieved by women, not men. Men can make a good premium drip coffee & usually could work espresso machines alright in the morning. But girls take the cake on the rest of it.
Let’s face it, girls know what guys want way more than guys know what girls want. Fuck, they even know more about what we want & who we are internally more than we know ourselves. We’re clueless in comparison to the jaw-dropping-wisdom-bearing essence of women. In the end, big girls don’t cry. But boys do. And we should listen more to girls. You ever with a girl you like so much you don’t even mind listening to them ramble on about the universe to you?
Talking signifies a level of comfort. At times, girls talk when they feel uneasy & anxious. But a guy could always tell when a specific girl is truly so comfortable & couldn’t feel any more liberated from being around them. So it’s best to listen.
Guys never have much to ever talk about, but girls always got something interesting to say, so if she’s talking to you quickly in a highly engaged fashion, she’s probably at least a little into you.
Even if you two are only the best of friends & you couldn’t ever envision her liking you in that way, you never know… but she probably knows exactly what you’re thinking. If she likes you, trust me, she’ll give you a million signs she does & then a million one signs, not worrying about the chase or that you don’t notice, likely just finding it cute how obliviously self absorbed you may be & unaware of the difference between flirting & friendship. Oftentimes, when guys like a girl, they can’t stand to bare waiting around all day just wondering to themselves if anything will come of their crush… so they jump straight to conclusions or take the chance & ask the girl out right away.
Girls, on the other hand, seem to always have an option in their back pocket. While they’re waiting for one boy to make his move, they’re off with another & another then back to the boy they like.
Girls are cute when they play the field a bit…
I don’t think the same could be said about guys. Nothing worse than a guy bragging about some escapade he had. No need to ever kiss & tell.
Some may label girls as sluts for playing the field so much. Really, they’re just trying to give their love to all different types & not feel like they owe it to any single person as to not feel free & chain the blessing of their love down to any one guy.
That feels restrictive. Kind of how marriage kind of seems restrictive. If it’s the love of your life, fair… marriage sounds ideal. But should we really tie ourselves down to one person for the rest of our lives? In the heat of the moment, two lovers are deeply irrevocably in love — the only time I ever heard the cute word ‘irrevocably’ was when I watched the relationship unfold between Rob Pattinson & Kristen Stewart in Twilight… Bella admitting she’s ‘irrevocably in love with him.’ Yea, i could easily see how, on occasion, two souls almost impossibly collide & fatefully crash into each other, the weight of the other so immensely important, yet also dually light in their arms, as if they could disappear in each other’s arms & all the world would just slip away by their waysides, not ever able to hang up or let go until the other does. Real unconditional love is possible. So too, it’s almost inevitable.
But all I’m saying as the writer of this piece & firm believer in soul mates (in spite of some of the things I’ve discussed) is that, most of the times, whoever we consider to be the one — our one & only true love — in our lives is most likely just our heart’s new infatuation. Each love rolls around & makes itself available to us, as we allow it all to happen in divine timing — one love leading us to the next one & even more importantly, leading us back to ourselves… to truly love ourselves is the ultimate goal. We tend to stay together the longest with those who remind us that we are one of the most important things on this planet.
Almost more importantly than their love for us is the idea that by being around them, we grow to appreciate this life that much more & love ourselves more & more each day. With them, we start to give back of ourselves so wholeheartedly.
Internally, we feel much more healed than we used to. The more we’re around our soulmate — maybe even our muse — we evolve into the person we are really meant to be, evolution from caterpillar to brand new butterfly.
The cocoon is a stable relationship. Until we become a new version of ourselves, the relationship has not run its full course or maybe was never meant to happen. Essentially, we will never even get to the cocoon stage & remain forever a decrepit caterpillar, if the relationship is in any way toxic & filled with spite, backstabbing dread, jealousy, envy and/or someone in any way attempting to change everything that makes you the unique individual you are (extinguishing all of your light & diminishing the spark within… in the worst case scenario), maybe even being manipulative & causing you to feel codependent, as if you have no choice in the matter & that life would be worthless without them, almost leading you right into their ploy to ‘pick you up just to put you down’ long enough to where they could treat you any sort of way & you’ll almost always attempt to give them the benefit of the doubt & rationalize their unloving behaviors as your own fault & something you need to cope with & fix.
Toxicity in relationships is not so uncommon or rare — actually sadly more the norm than anything these days, if what you’re after is the first person to show you any kind of attention & affection without noticing the signs that the person’s intentions may not be as pure as you make them out in your head to be.
If you find yourself stuck in a relationship, where you’re relegated to feeling stuck in a stagnant state as a caterpillar or wilting flower never seeming to bloom, either because your surroundings aren’t allowing for the development of a cocoon or your partner refuses to water your stems properly & give you the right amount of light, it is crucial to leave before it’s too late.
By too late, I mean… before you feel like you could never turn back because you’re in too deep already & the wound of breaking up would hurt too much. But trust me, it’s never too late: you can move on without them whenever you so please. The longer you wait to break up with them, the more the wound will hurt later. Better to get things over with, like quickly ripping off a band-aid, than allowing yourself to grow attached to someone who can’t even love you enough to allow you to love yourself wholly. If anything about them hinders your ability to be your authentic self or makes you abandon some unique part of your soul, it’s never too late to move on. Time heals all wounds. And sometimes it’s best to go through the pain of distancing yourself from someone you truly do care about (but who may not feel the same about you, not that this even matters, if they don’t even allow you to love the person you’ve become) because, ultimately, relationships guide us back to ourselves & if we abandon who we really are at the end of the day to be with someone, it’s not a relationship at all — it’s an almost parasitic relationship where we allow our partner to suck & take the light & energy from us, allowing them to take up way too much space in our hearts, with little room for anyone else as we let them walk all over us in ways. This leads to isolation, low self esteem & losing friends because you’re more busy trying to satisfy your partner than hang out little by little with your friends.
Toxic relationships could also result in self harm, like how i used to ash out cigarettes on my hand & wrist or bash my head into the wall when my world seemed like it was falling apart or when a girl I liked was being antagonistic even when we were together & she’d run off for the night with some guy while I was left to brood in my room with thoughts that seemed to get away from me.
Sometimes I’d know she was cheating & I’d be at a party with a bunch of friends, yet I’d feel so absent-minded & unable to engage with the friends all around me who would willingly show me any type of affection, without the least bit of an ulterior motive or hidden agenda — they just wanted to show me love & vibe with me the way guys & girls do. I got so caught up in the girl three blocks down the road at some guy’s crib — the one that could care less about me & always made me feel worthless — instead of just letting the friends all around me — who were actually so kind to me — have access to my life. I was lost in my head. Even though I was a sensitive, vulnerable type, I was offering that vulnerability up to someone who was toxic in my life, because — maybe at the core — I felt like I deserved a love that felt unsteady, maybe mistaking the volatility for something that made me feel alive… the high when she showed me any affection & the nearly masochistic pleasure I got when she was unkind to me, but then later embraced me as we went on to listen to JuiceWRLD or Lil Peep in my room & fuck away the tension & inconveniences & rip back open the little baggy she brought home.
The whole world fell down beside me in these little moments & i felt like i could die & that would be alright. And when she broke my heart in the many small or sometimes catastrophic ways she always did, I’d always remind myself of the good moments & that her fighting me on everything & all of the ups & downs I faced were just because we were both passionate & really actually cared so much for each other. It’s not to say she didn’t care for me. It was just so toxic in the end. I mean, no matter what I always cared so much about her & still hope she’s doing well.
Last time I talked to a friend, he said he just got a text from her telling me to “go fuck myself”. So not to go & spoil the ending, but it’s safe to say I made the right move ending things between us. But something about relationships like that always drew me back to them.
Maybe i thought somewhere deep inside the only relationships I’d ever have — of course… besides the genuine heartfelt lifelong bond i still have with my best friend… my sis — would tear me apart inside & hurt me no matter what (so like Bob Marley said, i ‘had to find the ones worth suffering for’) due to issues with a controlling step dad, attachment issues with my mom since I was a young kid when she was always gone away on business trips & PTSD from people of authority — like people supposed to take care of me— taking advantage of & either physically, emotionally, or mentally abusing me. It all kind of hurt. But hurt just turned into jaded numbness.
And i found a sort of intrinsic pleasure & beauty in that pain. And so my relationships seem to possess all of those qualities: pain, pleasure & beauty… maybe it’ll always be that way, but i’ve had enough experiences to know that i don’t want to make the same mistakes i used to & the next one will be different. Who knows, maybe the next one is just around the corner, a hop & a skip away. Maybe like Brooke, she just works at the local downtown coffee shop, record store or bookstore & the timing just wasn’t right before.
Like his mom said… ‘i mean, you never know.’ lots of the time, what we are looking for is also looking for us. To the next girl who buys me or brings me coffee, if you need anything at all, don’t ever hesitate to ask… i’ll be around.
˚☽˚.⋆ 
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