Sobriety Epiphany

Recently, I’ve had what I call a ‘sobriety epiphany’ — the kind of epiphany that only comes when you realize how blessed life really is with simple, minimal substances like caffeine & nicotine.

I most likely will never be tempted back into a pit of despair from occasionally falling back into drug habits — whatever those substances may be. I never want to go back to my substances of choice, besides maybe one too many cups of coffee & 2 packs of cigarettes a day — because I saw how my addictive tendencies controlled my life & ended up going down a rabbit hole of sorts.

It’s one thing to naturally need a smoke & sip of something hot from your toasty mug every now & then. It’s a whole another thing to blow your check on a bag of whatever your heart desires, letting your impulsive mind & little intrusive thoughts win out, either dipping into some molly at the festival or a bag of powder (when you should just go on a cute & quaint coffee date with an actual white girl… trust me, the pick me up of coffee, non dairy creamer, sugar & being with a girl you like does the same exact thing as ten measly tiny bumps of powder, short lived to say the least).

Narcotics are whatever & the law is always right around the corner. Booze is cool, until you start drinking while you’re already in a hole of depression. Then… booze is the only thing you believe you need to sustain your small little bits of happiness left within this existence & the only thing getting you through the day, yet really by drowning away your sorrows, you are only doubling your troubles in the misery business that goes along with being the only one at the local bar before noon drinking a bourbon neat or whiskey on the rocks…

The thing about sobriety is that I noticed I can’t even entertain any sort of ‘fuck it’ mentality or start romanticizing little behaviors & the good old days & feelings we may have had had when we used to partake in those kinds of deteriorating, mind altering substances. Maybe you never really fucked around with drugs of any sort. Maybe you’ve never even smoked a cigarette. Most people have drank coffee, but that’s more of a tiny therapy session with the local barista than anything else. However, if you have dipped into any sort of extracurricular activity, I’m kind of guessing by now ‘you’ve fucked around enough to find out’ either that you never want to do it again because of the whole ‘been there, done that’ mentality or you continue to doubt whether you will ever quit & keep on promising yourself this will be the last time… just one more time, right?

But one more time… even entertaining the idea that you could do it just once opens the door to many more circumstances playing out before your eyes where you keep running into the very substance you’re running away from. When my mind is stuck on a certain idea or mindset or desire & craving to partake in a certain activity or aspect of life, it always seems to find its way to me, not the other way around. I’ll be turning my way around the corner to the local gas station or liquor store & someone else will be posted up a little down the street trying to slide something my way. I politely say no & kindly reply ‘well… at least there’s more to go around for you’ & keep on moving right along. But I only have the will power to genuinely refuse with a kind hearted smile back because I had already refused the drug in my head days in advance. I had said no, every minute of every day, this day & the day before that & the months that preceded it… so a little no on the corner was simply out of a habit of practicing such a refusal response.

To some, this is an obvious way to respond to someone offering any kind of substance, almost second nature, easier to move along than entertain such risqué & sketchy shenanigans. What if it’s not pure… hopefully it is… usually you could tell by the person offering… but still, you never know. So you say no & hope they won’t berate you for your unwillingness to partake in their little party favors.

But for some of us, the addictive tendencies & personality types tend to lead us right into the grips of a specific vice & we are powerless to say no before it, as if seeing anyone pulling a baggy out of their pocket is the golden ticket to a brilliant day when, in reality, most substances are far from brilliant & only offer a way of escaping reality for anywhere between 10 minutes to a maybe a few hours at most. I guess, you got to risk it to get the biscuit, as my sis used to say, but with my sis & fam in my mind, I don’t ever want to risk it ever again… my little epiphany: this relieving idea that I will be sober from this present moment until the last day I fatefully live on Earth (unless somehow unfortunately & unnecessarily peer pressured into some sort of illicit activity — something nearly impossible to do to me… I’ve done enough miscellaneous extracurriculars to know particular crowds & smoked too many cigarettes as to ever be bluntly bothered… people usually just don’t mess with me the way they may others).

I’ll admit, sometimes I tended to sway towards the more artistic & kind of druggie types & romanticized that life. My ADHD made it so stimulants actually had a way of calming me down. Only when I hadn’t yet had my morning smoke & coffee did I ever feel any type of unease & restless in any fashion. Any other stimulant did pretty much the same thing at much more intoxicating & higher levels.

But they were all so pointless in the end & the older I become, the more I crave — more than anything in the entire universe — time spent with my family completely sober, only maybe stepping out for an occasional smoke & brewing up coffee for the fam at the lake house cabin early in the morning: if it’s a legal substance & your family doesn’t mind you coping with that substance (tea, coffee, nicotine, CBD, a light beer, etc.), it must not be that bad. However, nowadays, if my mom & sis disapprove of something, I usually second guess it altogether.

My fam doesn’t mind whenever I smoke cigarettes or vape a bit or my love of coffee. They’ll share a glass of wine with me at the end of the day & my stepdad will whip me up a mixed drink (I tend to prefer nicotine & caffeine… maybe Camel 99s & a pink Monster, but my family absolutely loves their alcohol). I could step out whenever to go to the coffee shop & smoke. They confided in me though that I must at all costs stay sober if I want to either go back home or attend my sister’s wedding or visit her & be there for her while her kids grow up. So that’s what I’ll do at all costs: stay 100% sober.

So I guess it’s the breakfast of champions for me: a toasty mug of coffee & blissful little cigarette. Nothing more & nothing less & my little writings, obsession with music, occasional readings & watching films & shows & just taking part in the more wholesome qualities of life.

So here’s to sobriety.

Here’s to black tea, medium roast coffee & mildly soothing cigarettes… the only substances that induce a sense of relief, while keeping you fully sober, enhancing clarity & self awareness & allowing you to focus mindfully on where you’re at in life, come to terms with it & enjoy it all.