she felt like the one with girls kinda replaced her
with the girl he was into that week… that year
the one with the drugs overdosed, nearly dying
the one with work lost his job & was giving up
she felt the weight of the world on her shoulders
as if she couldn’t live for herself anymore
she was so busy consoling her brothers & others
her love life fell through the cracks
almost nonexistent & dead on arrival
she worked a double & tried to keep in touch
but she ended up breaking down half way through the film & spent time in a facility
for the first time, she couldn’t be there for others
she lost herself in her empathy for others
surely selfless, but at what expense?
taxing on the soul, mind & body
seeing their sis suffer opened the brothers’ eyes the one with drugs went to rehab & recovered
the one with girls broke up with his girlfriend,
taking some time to focus on himself & family
and the one always busy with work ended up settling down, taking a more casual part time job
the day their sis got out of the hospital, they all were waiting for her in the car with flowers, as well as some chocolate & chai tea from the café
from then on they spent every weekend together
over at one of their places watching shows, reading magazines, listening to music, etc.
she looked at them during a game of cards…
drinking her wine, feeling so cozy & warm
almost sleepily content deep in her bones
thinking, “i missed this… even while it’s all so perfect, it feels like i could miss it. i’ll always miss this. i hope days like this last into eternity.”
Socials are all played out… post one or two reposts a day… if someone dm’s you, reply nicely back… but otherwise just do anything except socials… idk it’s kind of impossible not to be on socials a little bit… life’s boring
Girls run insta & Facebook
appearances matter, what you wear, how your hair falls that day, if you washed up & brushed your teeth, etc. so take care of yourself… wear only the dopest clothes & stay comfy
drugs don’t matter to me anymore… jus stick with smoking cigs & sip coffee
nothing left to do, except read & get caught up with the slower qualities of life… watch some shows & football games, listen to music on repeat & jus slow the pace of this whole thing down a bit… don’t mind the melodrama.
small talk is a banality you don’t ever need to bother yourself with
invest in books, music & clothes
say fuck it to those who don’t care
each & every life means something
everybody’s everything
damn… girls are hot… i’m whatever
ignorance is bliss… discernment of knowledge is wisdom… channel energy
it’s all in how you respond to losses
stay pure in thought… focus on only the most positive aspects of life
the noise the coffee makes from being ground up & aromas of being brewed in the morning wakes me up so nicely
what’s my sis & mom up to? and my dad… that’s all that really matters.
kind gentle softness is the #1 key
beautiful souls coexist gracefully
stay cozy & comfy & listen to the best music… look good, feel good
whatever, whatever… i’m going home… should prolly catch up on South Park
i don’t know, i really don’t know
shouldn’t let the little things get you down everyday… shit don’t matter
i’m tired of the chase of it all… not much to chase anymore. prolly jus staying single for life…
…but isn’t that jus the biggest lie?
it’d be cool though…
when i run low on nicotine or coffee, i feel the life blood sucked out
why is everyone so caught up on so much bullshit… i be straight & sad
jus sad all the time… maybe based & jus grounded in the sad reality of it all… everything means a lot to me, but at the same time i’m so numb
numb + jaded little existence
the girls chatting somewhere down the block… what would they want me to be doing? Prolly making money as a local barista or some shit + bringing home something to bump… but what’s the fucking point of that… i could come up on most things. girls & drugs? umm excuse me m’aam… maybe just some cool church girl who still has her morals?
but what’s the fun if they’re not at least a little slutty…
a girl breaks my heart in her little way, then i take a drag off of the cigarette… the girls up to no good somewhere & life’s still such a drag whether you got one by your side or not…
guess being on SSI Disability is cool enough, but what’s 1100$ a month… Need a job perhaps… but who hires at a decent enough salary for part time
— Bipolar I Schizoaffective with OCD + heavy PTSD in case you were wondering… maybe Kanye was right: that it’s a superpower… sometimes though, with meds, it jus feels like a never ending depression with mania simply as a mask to cover the sadness
but really, what girl wants a younger Charles Bukowski & Kurt Vonnegut type — i look a little better than the two of them, but i’m like a flight risk
maybe i’m jus a young Jack Kerouac, a beatnik who’s beyond his time. Who knows… maybe i’m ahead of my time.
imma pacifist & i’ve never passed a fist… past the 6th… 6:09 PM & i still could use a 5th… not a drop of liquor around & coffee will have to make do… anything to attain a little dopamine.
the whole thing’s jus tiresome, but at least in a cool way… i need the energy of divine femininity…
who knows, maybe once i’m outta this little shelter & have a place of my own, they’ll come around a bit more
who cares though?
‘who cares’… $NOT had that as his insta bio for a while
he’s always wearing his hoodie like Kenny… hoodie strings pulled tightly so it’s nice & snug… tbh i should start watching South Park again
i used to actually live in a place called South Park, where the zoo’s at in San Diego
so much worse & better then
so much worse & better now
2015 cigarettes changed the game
candy flipping & ski club did too
made it all a bit cooler
days on the upper west side of NYC to years & years on the West Shore of Tahoe… scenery of cities that never slept, bars, gas stations, coffee shops, bodegas, lakes & mountains.
it could all feel so nonchalant & relaxing… don’t over extend yourself
here we go again… little quibbles
used to dribble the ball a while back in high school… now i jus toss cigarette butts into ash trays
what’s the point? just so over it & these girls basically left me for dead so i’m jus doing the only thing i can do, a little drag off the cig because it seems like enough people in my life inadvertently told me to take a hike or jus kill myself altogether a little bit, so i’ll jus enjoy my cigarette instead… it’s all you got sometimes down in the mud
she’s wearing a white tea with the all black goth nails & walks through a sprinkler… on accident or purpose? damn, what the fuck, i can’t… so i walk up the street & buy swisher sweets, two of those new black & mild cigarillos they got (the F T variety) & a pack of Lucky Strikes… what’s a boy to do… these girls are too cute & my life may as well be withered into a nicely crafted ash tray of sorts.
cremation & the ash off my cigarette & nicotine filtering into my black hearted lungs all the same. at least i’m choosing my way out in the long run. it’s only a matter of time. But honestly, thank God for cigarettes & coffee. it’s the only thing getting me through one fuck up to the next. life feels kind of fucked up so we (at least usually) get fucked up.
i’ll settle for the boring, bitter sweet melancholic ecstasy of a cig.
could be so cute. the two of us, you know. most of the time i’m pretty balanced with a mellow temperament. the only bipolar thing that really happens is i get too stoked off of my sadness & connect everything to each other with lots of loose associations
i find a million things all at once to be the coolest thing ever, but my brain speeds up to unbearable levels
the only bout of psychosis i ever had was weed induced. so i’ve only had maybe three spliffs the last 6 years.
been clean off stimulants & staying clean off stimulants… a grind whether you’re employed or still unemployed.
good bye weekend.
we work on something new everyday…
…all of us.
that girl didn’t deserve any sort of mistreatment by that older gentleman
i’m a protective person, but no way could i save any girl… hopefully she doesn’t stray too far from her safe haven & handles herself well wherever
reading books & listening to CDs is a cure… iPhones are cool, but my screen time like 14 hours thanks to a solid 8 hours of sleep each night, at least
i need a cold drink: some Yerba
little movements, flick of the wrist & flutters of the heart
feels good to be stuck in between a rock & a hard place & i mean that little expression in the best way…
like i love the cold, the stone & all of the rocks in the ground… to be cool, you have to wear a cool fit. when it’s cold, you can pimp out your attire… at least in the Fall & Winter
nothing left to do… maybe if i made time for more reading, i’d be happier
but i don’t even like reading that much… i jus like the pleasurable act of writing & listening to my tunes
tune in & tune out per usual
kicking rocks & kicking it
throw up the rock on sign then the three fingers up love sign
where were we at? who shot Cupid?
sir, why do we live jus to die?
all he could say was… cigarettes help you come to terms with that i think
Energy of the purest form is what we truly crave deep within, both in our nervous system & inner network of our mentality. We must first dispel all forms of negativity & seek positive levels of the purest state of energy.
Many kinds of energy exist basically on a spectrum from low to high… but this diagnosis of energy is a little off base because it classifies energy only in terms of a fluttered kind of high energy & sedated dull low level. Here, on the other hand, I am placing energy into two forms: pure & toxic.
The last thing we’d ever want is to carry any toxic, low level energy. In the case of water, you’d much prefer Voss water over Crystal Geyser. In the same way, we crave only the pure.
Speaking of water, we must be like a refreshing artesian bottle of water, fluidly adapting to the world around us. When brutally cold, we turn into ice to match & adjust to the climate. When hot, we melt & in humidity or a sort of cloud cover, we evaporate into mist — to me, the purest form, coexisting atmospherically in nature. We just precipitate at once in a way that aligns with the universal Tao.
Tao, as I described in an earlier article, is the natural way of the universe & planet, a divine element within us & all that purely occurs within the environment, naturally tuned to the movement of the universe in pure synchronicity, fluidly acting in response to the rhythms of all that surrounds us. The way, or ‘Tao’, is in perfect alignment with natural predilections & fundamental ideas, wavelengths, frequencies & energy.
To live life in pure energy is to be channeling the fundamentally bright sided aspects of the whole universe. By channeling only pure energy, we naturally attain a more obvious way to recognize & avoid anything that’s toxic, noticing its intent to drag us down — the energy vampire of life attempting to suck our energy out & leave us dry — into abandoned states.
Toxic energy always opposes pure energy & desires to bring everything in its path down to its level as to not feel alone & not feel as sadly about its own inability to rise up. The more you start to glow & shine, the more those who aren’t shining or glowing want you to fall off. They’ll try with all of their will to make you jaded to the ways of the world & bring you down to their cynical view of everything, so they feel affirmed in some way, as if it’s ordinary to feel in some type of misalignment with the purely cosmic & awakened state of a blissful world. It seems as though some people don’t simply contemplate the beautiful mysteries of the world in harmonious, blissful peace, but would rather start their own seemingly trendy club of misery.
Trust me, enlightenment is way cooler than rotting in some melancholic pit of your own unprecedented, maybe over exaggerated woes, mediocrity & all too melancholic state. The easiest way to reverse the trend towards a negative state is to be grateful as early as possible in the morning, stay on top of all necessary errands & tasks so as not to feel weighed & bogged down later & to always do as much of what, deep within, you love most in the world as humanly possible when any free time opens up (or in the best case scenario, all the time if your favorite hobby & what you absolutely look forward to doing all day, everyday is also your full time job)… but to any person residing in a lower level energy state, holding less of a capacity for positivity in the scope of their whole life due to unfortunate or debilitating outcomes or circumstances, I get it, I have been there as well & feel your pain & see how easy it is to slip into these awful, albeit temporary states — noteworthy how transitional & impermanently fleeting these low level states & downward spirals can be so long as you don’t get caught up with a sort of romanticizing types of sadness & pursue some way out, with diligent intentional moves towards accepting where you’re at, while still keeping your senses in a chase for anything that brightens the eyes, stimulates vision, soothes the ears & offers an intrinsic feeling of innate relief… the things you pursue should give you a sense of worth & refresh & invigorate you in the midst of it all, from contemplation of an idea to full realization of a novel concept.
Pure energy is not some sort of amped level of high intensity, it’s more of a healthy, beneficial level. It’s not amplitude, it’s wholistic attitude defined by intently & genuinely living in accordance with a more divine & wholesome state in relation to yourself in coexistence with all of the others you’re surrounded by.
Pure energy is found within living in fluidly synergetic ways at a decently paced tempo & creating as much as you absorb, always finding where inner most desires lay dormant & need a bit of understanding, fulfillment & the edge taken off through decompression. Focus on all that attracts mindful clarity & seek perfect balance in the whole thing, just vibing accordingly to all thrown your way, riding the waves & .wavs (a type of music file) of life, always doing your best to stay afloat & enjoy yourself fully.
Everything matters when it comes to either zapping or instilling energy.
The following routines induce pure levels of energy:
listening to an album that highly relates to your life
Eating balanced, nutritional foods & drinking lots of water, tea, coffee & all other things allowing for healthy energy boosts
Slowing down the mind a little by reading & not becoming jaded by & overwhelmed with social media
At the same time, it’s good to stay healthily & reasonably connected to friends & stay on top of what’s going on in the world (done minimally throughout the day)
When all becomes too much & you feel like you’re at low energy & need stimulation & want to recap the events in your life after a long day, watch a show relating to the way your life is & it will most likely give you a boost & make you smile & maybe even laugh out loud a little (if you relate to it on a deeper level)
Gravitate to bright messages & memes & photos that make you contemplate just how beautiful & meaningful everyone really is as key components of this universe. If it brings you joy & sparks a little light in your soul, it’s likely bringing you a sense of belonging & spurt or pure energy.
Create something & make sense of the ideas & wildly vivid areas of your imagination, either by cute little doodles & drawings or via writing or playing some type of instrument or producing beats (on Ableton, FL Studio, or Logic) on your laptop or going skating or filming something you find to be aesthetically pleasing on one of those old camcorders… or who knows, maybe you like making jewelry or designing a clothing line… whatever you enjoy, take a moment for yourself & pursue that little creative interest & hobby.
Plant a garden & take time out of everyday to feel whole in nature. A little solitude & breath of fresh air always goes a long way.
Adopt a little kitten or dog so you have a best friend in this life & someone to always relate with & communicate feelings to. By taking care of a pet, you’ll be filled with joy, compassion & have a loyal emotional support animal & best friend beside you.
Maybe you & your friend could buy each other tarot card decks & dive deeper into the world of astrology & spiritual beliefs you may be inclined towards.
Listen to a podcast & watch an informative documentary on cool new concepts you’re interested in on YouTube or online a bit.
Go shopping at the mall for an hour or two… nothing like retail therapy to cure being out of it & in a drab sort of mood. You will naturally feel a little hop in your step & higher levels of energy when you buy that new video game console or jewelry or shoes, hoodie & beanie, or dope skateboard you’ve always wanted.
Always take the edge off with a small, allowable vice allowing you to take pleasure in the little things, whether that be a glass of rosé or white wine at the end of a long workday, a cigar or cigarillo after a day out on the golf course with your friends or possibly a bar of dark chocolate (or maybe, in my case, a cookies & cream Hershey bar…) any kind of treat that helps you appreciate & look forward to each & every day.
Keep God & family first & foremost in your heart… by holding them first, we are reminded of who has been there since day one & by living in honor of & respect for them in each & everything we do, we end up naturally feeling a sense of accomplishment & pleasant belief we are living according to God’s will & divine vision for our lives: unique, deeply meaningful existences — something we have to acknowledge all of the time… that we have a purpose, as well as to honor our mother, father, sister & brother & be grateful for the miracle of life & to commit to staying in vulnerable communication with God about our next moves & purest intentions regarding our overall quality of life & well being, with God’s forgiveness, fortitude & ability to help us respond to obstacles with a sense of perspective, humility, wisdom, enlightened levels of energy, an awakened consciousness, blissful self awareness & gentle mentality.
Self care routines help a lot as well. By taking care of our self & focusing on the internal, it’s naturally easier to then focus on all else left externally.
Hope this little article helps & that you always gravitate towards purer energy in every little thing you do.
we walked aimlessly through the streets, rain fresh glazed on the concrete. we weren’t going really far. he smoked a doobie. the cops were on patrol. i lit up a smoke & bought a coffee at the corner store… anything to do something yet nothing. no money besides $9.08. no loitering signs outside. The women came out & gestured us to move on along. a cute kitty came up to us next to an abandoned house. hopefully he had food & a place to crash like our hapless homeless souls. this girl at the bookstore was dressed to impress, gothic fishnets & all. jus sitting around now… nothing on the agenda. life is starting to come together — moving into my own condo in a month. two packs of Marlboro Reds, some benzodiazepines & i’m set. Come & smoke with me. Come & die with me. the birds are all hibernating. i hibernate too. in my hoodie. i wash up. smoke. sip some coffee. listen to music. life’s alright sometimes when you don’t look too deep into it. winter break & solstice beckons good cheer. i sit in vague hopes for a spot to call my own, music booming off the subwoofer. call me what you want, but all i ever needed was to write to music. the boys are all telling war stories, watching some show. i’m out of sight in the back room, cranking listening to loud tunes. nightmare through back alley streets ends here. she smokes, the air trickling out the open window. i’m sipping another coffee after popping two pills. nobody’s mourning me. i sit at the table, inhale morning air & say a prayer to the Heavenly Father. why is everyone so preoccupied. i am too. i really do need to head to the mall for some retail therapy. it’d do me well. but i been broke. at least my music bangs. this is all so futile, they said. what are you so mad about. Rollie cigarette & some tea. The film has no place here. maybe i’ll start filming aesthetic shit on a camcorder. life’s about the little things. hydrate.
There’s this man comes off his balcony every morning without fail to collect his mail & pick up the paper the messenger sent flying his way. he reads some of the top headlines & heads out back to tend his garden. seems like everyone has something they do as if from memory every morning. i wake up & instead of the morning paper, i read a chapter of a book & listen to my playlist — all TeamSesh instrumentals (Drew the Architect, Cat Soup & Drip-133) — on repeat. i write the usual things, about girls & drugs & smoking cigarettes on rooftops & drinking coffee from the corner store down the street. it’s all played out. life’s played out. One long drawn out AA meeting. the old man walks on over & throws on the golf channel. he’s always watching golf, dressed like he’s ready for 18 holes & church. the girls down at the church can make even the most devout Christian boy weak in the knees. Hell, even the grandpa’s weak in the knees, mostly for other reasons. the books i read all try too hard to say something. Meanwhile, i’m trying to write the book on nothing. In the same vein, getting high leaves you without a care in the world for hours on end. i don’t need any new friends & i don’t need any new hobbies. i’m starting to sink comfortably & complacently into my depression. drugs would help, but they come & go. at least i got a pack of smokes & a thought that maybe all anyone ever needed was a good playlist, an iced out outfit they’re wearing, a little vice to take the edge off & one good thought running through their heads. i promise you, depression isn’t too bad once you sink into it. It’s okay to be sad.
in 7 minutes to seven days to a month to seven to a year, but are headed back on their way to a 7eleven
i’m sorry for the sins of me
& my brothers out in ski towns or beach huts or sisters going to Church every Sunday jus to get back with one guy to the next
i got so many things to express about the plight of all individuals, most especially those who ever bummed around & badly needed a cigarette
or the booze head trying to just decompress & slow down a bit with a coffee & baileys
i really do hope u don’t take my lil writings too seriously. after all, the way i write is just trying to figure out universal energy & show some type of empathy to human issues we all must conceptualize & try to wade through to contemplation & a little sympathy & movement towards a little more optimism & positively enlightened energy day in & day out.
i forgot i was smoking this cigarette & it went out… time to toss it in the ash try, another one gone again… then off to fetch my coffee, refresh all of the socials & check out the lil football stats & all that & then decently quickly light up a brand new & so refreshingly mellow & relieving Marlboro 27 cigarette with my cute pink kitty Bic lighter i got at the gas station & continue my whole little enterprising escapade of this whole deep dive into the literature of the whole thing, smoke & coffee in hand, a trip to 7eleven in the a.m.
Dead batteries, suicide boys & the baddest girls are on my mind.
Dead batteries, suicide boys & the baddest girls just seemed like a pressing topic I’d at some point need to address, either today or tomorrow or a year from now… or never.
Over here, I’m chain smoking whatever I could get, whenever at all possible — I’ll always find a way to stay chain smoking, whether I’m homeless or housed.
I’m reading a novel called Women by Bukowski. We both aren’t the best looking, but each of us has our ways & certain wisdom as pertaining to the opposite sex, the more divine one.
Damn, Bukowski always makes me laugh. Women & all of the girls in general always seem to put a smile on my face. They literally make the world go around.
Because, frankly, men are lazy & pathetic… even more so when they don’t have women around. But damn, men aren’t all bad.
Guess most of us are just simple minded. Hell, women sure do often complicate things… the whole process.
We try to impress each other, while acting like we’re not all that interested. It all seems like such a lousy way to live life… like we’re above it all?
Sometimes you got to be. Well, most of us have moved on from all of that crying-over-someone-you-love & fake-empathetic-sympathizing-and-nice bullshit. It’s played out.
Be cooler than that. I regret admitting it, but I’ve kind of turned into a so-called ‘playa’.
So my main three rules to the game are: playas gonna play; don’t hate the player, hate the game; and never get hung up on one girl (I used to do that… trust me, a miss only leads to a better next swing & there’s way more than just that girl down the block… there’s thousands, if not millions more, and girls like playing the game as much as the guys do, so it doesn’t hurt to play as much as you want, no matter how many losses you’ve racked up).
In the meantime, let’s be honest, I pretty much am up to nothing or jerking off as a matter of pure boredom or again up to nothing & could really care less about anything worth a damn besides maybe my writing & task of smoking 40 cigarettes & listening to the same songs everyday.
Really, my agenda 24/7 is: to smoke too many cigarettes, drink lots of coffee, read from time to time, write when the timing feels right, sometimes watch Narcos on Netflix or the saga about Wu Tang on Hulu & exclusively listen to Bones & $uicideboy$ & Lil Peep.
It’s a pretty good life. A lot could be said, though, about the fact that my last two book purchases were Naked Lunch (…by Burroughs about narcotics, filled with dark humor, witty banter & satire) & Bukowski’s Women.
Some fiend for dope & drugs in the slums & cities; some of the same people & others also fiend for women & sex.
Fuck love, really, but lots of us — on some base, animalistic & lustful level — crave sex… on an almost similar level, we crave women around us. Drugs go hand in hand, or sometimes offer a replacement to sex & women.
Lastly, really I’m chain smoking & simply binge listening to cloud rap lately simply due to (straight to the nitty gritty): my lack of success with both life in general & really attracting the perfect kind of girl.
Life & girls (which one is more important?) seem more & more hopeless as the years go by… the two ways I found of coping with inevitable lifelong heartbreak & becoming a deadbeat kind of guy — just like my dad (due to constant obstacles) — is through the relieving pick me up & sedation of nicotine in the form of a cigarette (I prefer natural tobacco over vapes… something about the high hits differently, almost rawer with cigarettes) as well as the equally relieving pick me up & sedation of music, more specifically cloud rap — even more specifically, Bones & $uicideboy$ & Lil Peep, who all feature better beats & flows than most artists these days.
I’ve heard just about enough Country & Indie & Jazz & Electronic, to be honest. All of that sappy shit grinds at & hurts my ears… even when it’s not sappy, rather almost endearing or heart aching, it still somehow seems so inauthentic & lacking in ingenuity.
I’d argue & say, instead, branching away from most mainstream music in today’s age, that the three artists I’m heavily rotating lately — Bones & $uicideboy$ & Lil Peep — are hands down the best hip hop artists & maybe artists in any genre.
This whole emo trap cloud rap trend started back in 2015, as three of them began trends, a whole new .wav & started coming up in their own way: Bones (rapper for TeamSesh: a collective of sorts that started up with producers like Cat Soup & Drew The Architect) & $uicideboy$ (two cousins who decided to either make it as artists in the music industry or kill themselves if all failed… a little pact Scrim & Ruby had) & Lil Peep (lead artist in Goth Boi Clique who was one of the dopest new emo kids in the game at the time & started a certain trend to the ‘crybaby’ & ‘sadboiszn’ type shit early on, singing about drugs & girls without caring whether it was cool or not to focus so much on the two like his life itself depended on both the drugs & girls… and it really did because it was found out that he had passed away in 2017 in November after 2 girls gave him Xanax laced in fentanyl before he went back on the tour bus)… They got the ball rolling.
The initial three artists in their respective groups came up, made a scene & switched up the game.
Although it seems almost cult-like or morose to listen to these kinds of artists — like Bones or $B or Lil Peep, who waver towards ideas of death & some darker themes — listening to them still brings on so much high energy in the intake of their potent sounds that conceivably anyone could become a captivated listener.
Every album of each of theirs carries heavy weight, with a remarkable amount of blunt truth found in all of their lyrics & well mixed soothing instrumentation that balances grimy & lush elements, incorporating everything from Memphis Drill, Long Beach Emo, New Orleans Trap & Detroit Boom-Bap influences to incredibly intricate mixtures of powerful 808s & aesthetic synthesizer melodies.
They also include splashes of humorous or candid or revealing little clips & skits & ad-libs thrown in at the intro or outro of some songs, or as stand-alone tracks.
No song by Bones & $uicideboy$ & Lil Peep is the same (as these artists switch things up here & there), but one can grow accustomed to a similar vibe on each of the artists’ tracks: music to smoke to that helps make sense of the idea of death & cope with the fact that most things in life are detrimental (we only really need, or should gravitate towards, a few more beneficial things).
i used to tug at my mom’s sweater sleeves when I felt a sense of fear towards God & those trying to rob me of everything I love & hold closely dear in my heart… so equally weak in its wishful tenderness & as strong as my ability to meditate on the miracle of existence & experience, reflecting with deep breaths, awareness of safe spaces & comfort zones — only smoking cigarettes when the time feels like it is slowly diminishing the spark in my soul, a way to light the way in the darkness & dwell on everything with gratitude & come back to self… once close to home & in my heart & head, I can finally escape from the tortures & torments of perception. Only what we perceive & focus on — either muddled in confusion or fully embraced with clarity — has any kind of bullheaded control of our fate… as I step aside to avoid experiencing exposure to a type of self imposed opposition by any task force member against one’s self, seeking to beam me up & extinguish the light within.
i don’t like the way you attempt to corrode my thoughts & invade my space kind sir…
c’est la vie monsieur, he replies…
je ne sais pas… ça va?
ça va, c’est la vie.
now, this emphatic man comes up to me — not even remotely sympathetically sensitive to the vulnerabilities of mental disabilities & trauma — & soon interrogates me about the thoughts that intrusively gnaw at the back of my head… thoughts that aren’t my own
he wants me to head some bad place far away with him & before i could hardly refuse, he’s whisking me off for no reason to somewhere I don’t want to go & had no intention of going to whatsoever.
This is all a search & rescue, but instead of rescue, it’s a search & abandon & abuse. I’m sensitive to people in positions of power taking advantage of the less fortunate.
the mind control by the current day & age’s government & law enforcement is at times relentless & uncomfortably unbearable & by no means should I subject myself to a subduing of sorts of my actually so wholeheartedly genuine & gently kind soul, as well as to a practice of data mining, manipulating & even controlling every little process of thoughts.
i am not a puppet with which you can literally place things on my hands & implicate that I did anything more than committing the sin of enjoying my vice of smoking cigarettes & sipping maybe too much coffee today, when maybe one could argue i should begin reading the Bible instead a tiny bit more.
A number pops in my head & a thousand thoughts flood in my inbox in a not too expected, undesirable fashion. Some of these thoughts are kindly aligned with the divinity I believe in my heart to truthfully paint vivid pictures of this universe we accept as something naturally inherited. But then again, other thoughts demean my very existence & crash into my head like a demonic Beamer driving too fast on the highway of my imperfect mind… not that any mind — including mine — is or isn’t perfect, so long as ego is kept naturally at a balance between high & low, just a touch of confident dignified self esteem & worth, but also grounded enough to see the perceived issues we deal with go way beyond us: an issue almost all of humanity deals with… issues we work through, thoughts & feelings we cope & respond gentle heartedly to…
finding time for both work & play, dealing with consequences & grinding enough to set aside time for self healing & decompression in response to any latent edginess we feel that we further must take care of & release this angst through chemically balancing substance, progress, motion & sensitivity & acceptance of the whole human condition relative to our own stance, mindfulness & perspective in our own corner niche of the world.
I graduated from a cute vigorously little Catholic high school around the OC area in San Juan Capistrano — living in infinity pool paradise & so too an infinitely costly & extra altogether rewarding, relieving & hustling & bustling crib funded by none other than my mom & step dad, living with the spouses & my amazing sis
— mom & sis both infinitely & forever my angels — as well as two of the dopest step brothers around… with my dad a few cities over, never too far away, an intelligently sincere & humorously wise man who would always show me what’s important: to just have fun… my whole family showed me that.
My stepdad showed me life requires a dose of responsibility & being accountable for actions… that actions speak louder than words — as I write & write & then write some more. My beautiful best friend soul-linked kind of ex of mine once asked me: what do great writers do? I had no idea.
She clued me in with a simple response which I never quite understood until a realization dawned on me a few months to half year or so ago: ‘great writers write’
— I’ve had two girlfriends… so far at least, my ride or dies in their own way, the first lasting just under 3 years of ups & downs & a little over 3 years so far as the other went: they helped to guide me to my next shot, next kiss, next miss & back for another shot & maybe sometimes I’d sink a basket.
I played Varsity Athletics — basketball & volleyball — and earned a 4.17 GPA, studying Cultural Geography, AP Biology, AP European History, AP Language, AP Literature, AP French & Trigonometry or Calculus or whatever (I was failing math… badly, falling asleep on my book, drooling & knocking my textbook materials over off of my desk after early morning rises, not wanting to hit the snooze on the alarm clock & clocking in to hit the gym with my fellow teammates & coach Tim before the classes, the girls, the home made snack & lunch, hydrating on plenty of water), always carrying my Nalgene bottle around so I’d be able to dash on the basketball court & run dive lines on the volleyball court
— all the same court… just a different day, different game. Who’s to say you won’t get a kiss from your first true, almost more infatuating kind of love on the way back home after asking her out to Homecoming with one rose & a cute little letter with a picture of two little kids on a swing & all of that… she was all I ever wanted on my sweet 16th, as well as a car & a good game out on the sand volleyball courts.
Catholic school definitely poses challenges & some restrictions & not a whole lot of lax & leisure to say the least, but the uniforms & outfits always were kind of cool — the routine of it all kind of constantly a sprint from class to class saying hi to the homies who you saw everyday with maybe a little nun like ruler wrist slap every now & then… the best was behind us… a lot was in the near future, but the story was really just starting to be written & come to fruition.
Life was opening a window with a key to so many new experiences in the future.
Alongside of my first GF, I got the acceptance letter to University of California, Davis & enrolled for the Fall Quarter of 2012… ensuing concerts & maybe diving in to this substance & that, being hazed & faking like I really actually wanted to be in a fraternity. I sipped coffee & dipped out of Greek Life so I could focus on the little things — coffee, quiet reads & little walks & wine on the grassy lawn & working as a barista of sorts at the ASUCD Coffee House. My GF & I went to a Halloween Costume Day Drinking Party with white t-shirts on that said ‘Extra Virgin Olive Oil’.
So funny and yes… you guessed it. I was still a virgin. She was Catholic after all. Whatever, it was never too much of a priority for me anyways.
But the girls come & the girls go, like similarly eventual cigarettes would always come, the pack would run low & there I was making my way over to the corner store to pick up some more… a little pick me up, a little score.
I’d watch sports at bars, drinking craft beers, hazy, stout, IPA, but really just liked light beer — Corona, Pacifico, Bud Light & things of that nature. I started collecting vinyl records, CDs & cassettes, going to all the coolest record stores & coffee shops & dive bars & hookah lounges & matcha shops & farmer’s markets, etc. with my second girlfriend (there’s been about four, but she was the last lasting so impactful in her way in the span of the last 31 years… just two that lasted any kind of expanded, extended, seemingly limitless & life altering imbued heartfelt & eventually heartbreaking kind of way).
Quarter Systems were quick, but it took me 6 years to graduate. Davis ended up being the best time in my life from Ski or Snowboard Club in 2016 to the SoundCloud era of 2017 to graduating… 4.17 to about a 3.0 with a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. I had experimented with about 2 dozen majors — so many options from Brewing classes to Viticulture to Advanced Journalism courses on the ‘next .wav of the degenerate generation’ to Landscape Architecture & Sociology. My girlfriend — my best friend & love of my life — went along on adventures with me from Orange County to Yosemite to Bay Area nights & New York mornings & Marin homie hangouts.
The whole experience was so cool.
A couple years went by & I was living on my own again. She got married… for the best — definitely ended up working out alright because I got a three year job as a barista & sandwich artist & flatbread chef at a market on the West Shore of Tahoe.
I believe my ex Gabs may have semi recently received a PhD. I guess she went after her dream of being in the therapy or psychiatry field after getting her Masters & Bachelors of Science with similar, almost even more refined success than my first girlfriend. She really did that. I’m so stoked for her. She really made that happen. We both did.
I produced music on the digital audio workspace Ableton while with her from 2016-2020, utilizing looped samples & audio clips from popular TV shows & classic films. I love you LS. I love you Gabs. I love all of my exes. I love my fam first & foremost & God & all of the day one homies. And I also love all of you for checking this out, whether you dive into the extensive readings — a poetry collection & fiction novel — or you decide, instead to come back some other day.
Maybe you never get around to my little writings or a piece doesn’t strike a chord or a note… cute little sentiment; hopefully these reach you well & at peace internally relative to all of the external surroundings influencing our day to day in the Galaxy & Universe, Mother Nature & the eminent ecstasy in Afterlife… elusive Nirvana no longer elusive anymore, moments away.
Thanks for taking the time out of your day to read. As a creative artist, I love to create art. The more the merrier. So the more the merrier take in the experience of it all with me on this little side project — not really even a hustle…just the hobby I would do forever if I could, probably would, and yeah… I probably will forever do indefinitely.
You can find me in Reno, Nevada currently, writing, producing, envisioning filming some grunge hood rat skate inspired film on a camcorder one day & playing guitar… metaphorically kind of skating by, skirting out, sipping, smoking & vibing. To those I love, thank you for sticking around.
˚☽˚.⋆ 